Scene: Shane, Jim, Potts, Marilyn, Barbara, Jennifer, Louisa and Tod sit around a table in a meeting room. They are anxiously awaiting for their new Scrum Master to arrive. Tod is the product owner. The rest are team members. They are at planning meeting.
Narrator: We join our fearless development team as they await their new scrum master. Spirits are low and tension is high. Our heroes have been through many Scrum Masters over the previous months. None could bear the pressure and difficulty of working with the evil Product Owner, Tod. Each had left abruptly, and although the benevolent functional management provided more Scrum Masters, it seemed as though the team would never be as Agile as they believed they could be.
Tod: Thanks for coming to our Sprint Planning meeting. There is a lot to do and little time to do it. Let’s get started by taking a look at what we have planned.
Barbara: Shouldn’t we wait for our new Scrum Master? I would think they need to be here for this.
Jim: Yea. I hear great things about her. I hear she is a Certified Scrum Jedi!
Jennifer: That’s not a thing. There is no such certification.
Jim: No, really. It is. I thought it wasn’t real either, but it turns out it is. It’s true. All of it. They have years of experience and are trained from a young age. They have mentors. They bring peace to the Agile Galaxy.
Tod: We don’t have time to wait. In fact, we need to keep this meeting under 30 minutes. So I have created all of your tasks and assigned each of you the work you will be doing in the sprint. I haven’t prioritized anything because it all has to get done.
[Enter Stephanie in Jedi regalia. She is hooded with hands in front of her in Jedi pose. She calmly walks up to the table. The team is in awe. Tod is scared. She lowers her hood to reveal her face.]
Stephanie: I felt a great disturbance with the Agile, as if seven voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.
Tod: Nothing terrible. We’re just planning.
[Stephanie sits at the table. She looks at the plan.]
Stephanie: What does the team think of the plan?
Shane: I find it confusing. I don’t think I can finish in time. Not to mention that my assignments would be better done by Potts.
Potts: Awww! But I was going into town to get some Power Converters!
Shane: Nothing has Acceptance Criteria, and we have no Definition of Done either.
Louisa: It definitely doesn’t seem Agile. That’s for sure.
Tod: Sure it’s Agile! Agile means we can deviate from normal processes because we are flexible in what we do. We are Agile. That’s what the word means, right? Do what we want because the rules don’t apply.
Barbara: I have a bad feeling about this.
Tod: My career is on the line here. If I, uh I mean, we succeed, then we are sure to get promoted. Look team. All you have to do is go faster than you have been. How hard could that be? I’m sure no one has come up with that idea yet.
[Tod Stands Up]
Tod: Work harder and quit slacking!
Barbara: Help me Harry Koehnemann! You’re our only hope.
[Stephanie raises a hand and lowers it. Tod is forced to sit against his will.]
Tod: What are you …
[Stephanie clenches her fingers as Tod is forced to be quiet.]
Stephanie: Agile is a way of thinking about the how we do work. Those who are truly Agile value working products, responding to change, customer collaboration, individuals and interactions. Close your eyes. Feel the Agile. For my ally is the Agile, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Agile around you; here, between you, me, the table, the chair, everywhere, yes. It binds the galaxy together.
Jim: I’m afraid.
Stephanie: Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to panic. Panic leads to micro-management. Micro-management leads to suffering.
Jim: That seems extreme.
Potts: I’m not afraid.
Stephanie: Oh, you will be. You will be.
[Stephanie lets go of her Agile hold on Tod.]
Stephanie: Shall we proceed?
Tod [hesitantly]: Ok. The first story. As a product owner, I would like the team to go faster, so that I can get promoted.
Stephanie: This isn’t the story you are looking for.
Tod: This isn’t the story I am looking for.
[Fade to black]
1 hour later
[Fade back in]
Stephanie: The meeting is time boxed, and we are almost done. Does the team commit to the sprint stories and goal?
Marilyn: We can try. You never know what will happen.
Stephanie: Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.
Marilyn: I don’t believe it.
Stephanie: And that is why you fail. There is a long way to go before we become truly Agile my young Padawans.